The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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