The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
