I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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