I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
