Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
