I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
