You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
