You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
