im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
