This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
