If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
