he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
