so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
