Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
