The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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