maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
