remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
