sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
