I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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