My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
