i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
