Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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