I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
