i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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