Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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