So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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