I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
