We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
