i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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