Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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