I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
