I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
