I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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