Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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