I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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