Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
