i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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