I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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