hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just googled if crying burns calories
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
