Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
