Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he shaved USA in his pubs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
