made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
