I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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