I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
