i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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