I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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