Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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