i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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