could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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