I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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